Being Ordinary

Looking around her; she saw everyone chasing their dreams and some people getting more than they deserved.
Just migrated from a calm city to a big city filled with noise. With a blurred vision and fake face she stumbled everyday and trudged along new roads.
She is unlike these big city people who can't share and who can't love. She is still pure at heart.. Very pure.  She is surprised how some lives are just plain illusions and nothing concrete. They are possessive of people ; of things; of everything . They want to feel loved - all of them but they don't want to put all of themselves in relationships.
She is not possessive about anything ; maybe because she doesn't feel belongingness anywhere. When she see people crying over their lives; she can't help but smile to herself- do they know how it feels to live in a bitchy city on your own? To just live and still feel dead? To wear happy masks everyday so that people don't see the sadness in your soul? To not know where home is? To not have a single
place where you are welcomed? No; they don't know. No one knows how lucky they are until it's gone.

Back in her hometown she could feel the magic in herself; magic to change herself and the world. Here; she is just wandering. Its been 3 months she is living her dream but she is not really living anymore. Everyday you could spot her walking over to places unknown.
The feeling of being ordinary when u know you are not is not very good; its heartbreaking. She could give away everything because she knows people and things are not owned - thanks to her upbringing. She has only one thing with her - her words. Words that speak her ; words that define who she is. Between some heartbreaks the writing did get better. She feels drained of everything. How hard it is to keep calm when you feel the magic fading away! That feeling when you are just about to fly and you feel your wings slightly burned.

Another day..

My phone rings. I was kind of expecting it or rather wishing it. It's him again. He wanted me to meet his girlfriend. I got up. Got ready. I know we would never be a thing but still every time I could feel those butterflies. I get inside his car. They look too happy together. And it hurts somewhere. Not jealousy because I am happy that he is happy with her but a void maybe.

As he hugs her to prevent her from getting cold; suddenly my denim jacket hurts. I guess he read my face so he comes up to me and hugs me too. His smile has a certain spark to it. So much love makes me cry.

Damaged people get along well I guess. They find comfort in each other's empty spaces. They tend to fit perfectly. Suddenly happiness hurts. Funnily I know I don't want a relationship too soon. I am proudly single.  But some empty mornings you do want to feel loved and someone to feel a little more deeply for you.

As they kiss I pretend not to see them but something in it made me yearn for it too. How hard the goodbyes were; how they didn't want to let go of each other; last hugs; kisses on forehead. Everything seemed perfect. After she went ; he hugs me closely and tell how happy he is and how lucky to have her. I wanted to say I know ; who else would know. But I just smiled. He lets go of me and I already start missing it. He asks me if I am getting late? And though I should be at home studying for my paper the next day ; I said no. It felt good - here just hanging out with a great friend; listening to him; he looked so happy.

Quickly grabbing some cigarettes and I share my pocket for keeping them. With every puff; he asks for my opinion. I feel good to learn my opinions matter. And honestly she is an amazing human being. Not denying that. Then it gets late. Winters had been taking its toll. As we get back in the car ; and he drives me to my place. I don't want it to end. The lyrics get more meaningful; the wind more chilled; his voice more deep; my voice nothing more than a whisper.

I don't want him but his friendship more. And I know I am in the priority list and that's what matters. Letting go of what you behold near is something that helps getting over stupid emotions. I should leave doors open to let him go and valid reasons for him to stay. I know this is not love. I fall very easily for people; I know that. I also know its not love every time.I got no time for it either. But that something takes over him when I am with him; perhaps another crush. Maybe loneliness does that to you not exactly loneliness but a certain kind of longing.

Maybe someday everyone will find someone who will stay. Everyone and everything has a time. This time is theirs.